I Love You This Big
by LizTheBookNerd
Summary: To escape the pain a nightmare caused her, Katniss goes to alcohol as an escape.


Years have passed since the Rebels defeated the Capitol. Each day in my life brings new twist and turns. I will never be the sixteen year old girl I was before volunteering for my little sister again. War can do that to a person. Some days are better than others. There are those few days that seem perfect compared to every other day. At first, I considered just getting out of bed progress. Now, progress is a bit more complex.

There will be those rare nights that I don't have nightmares. I find myself smiling and laughing more often. Sometimes, I'll even go into town to see the progress they're making on this destroyed place. It helps that I'm becoming closer to Peeta again. He still has tracker jacker attacks, but they're getting fewer and fewer. The better days are spent with him. But our relationship is still far from perfect. He never spends the night like he used to, not very often anyway. I like to think he's my friend. To be truthful, I don't really know where we stand. He's more guarded around me then he ever was before. However, he's still Peeta, and the Capitol couldn't completely take him away from me.

Haymitch tries to help out as much as he can in a different way. I store alcohol for him for when he comes over and he provides me with any news that might interest me.

As the days pass, I find the need for human closeness to be more frequent. Some days are better spent with someone else instead of by myself in this huge house.

While the good days are becoming more frequent, the bad days and nights are still there. Some nightmares are bad but I've had certain ones so often that it's easier to get over them. Others aren't so easy. The one I have tonight is particularly bad.

I haven't had this nightmare in so long. All of the people who mean more to me than my own life that are dead make an appearance, reminding me they died because of me. How, if it wasn't for me, maybe they would still be alive. The few people that are still alive that I love make an appearance too, attacking me with horrible words, and eventually, dying in front of my eyes. I relive the death of my Father, the first person I lost out of a long list that formed in a matter of two years. I watch the bombs fall on Prim, a look of fear on her beautiful and young face. Prim, who was better than anyone I have ever met. I watch Cinna getting beaten again. Mutt Peeta even makes an appearance.

Everything I fear and never want to relive is taking place inside my head.

When I wake up I scream. I'm shaking and covered in sweat. I close my eyes and the images flash behind my closed lids. No, going back to bed is not an option. However, I don't want to leave my bed. I want comfort from someone, anyone, even Haymitch, but I can't bring myself to see anyone when I feel so vulnerable.

I'm so shaken up. Lying here in bed doesn't make things better, only worse. When I look on the clock sitting next to my bed, it reads nine in the morning.

I consider trying to knock myself out, bang my head so hard I black out. However, I'm afraid I would drift back into the nightmares.

I just want an escape. I want something to take my mind off the images of my loved ones dying. Truthfully, I want Peeta's warm embrace.

My mind wanders to Haymitch and the way he gets through the nightmares. I don't normally drink. Hell, I haven't had a sip of liquor since the day I found out I was going back into the arena with either Haymitch or Peeta as my fellow tribute. That day seems so long ago now. However, it would do the job that I need. It offers me an escape. It would let me forget. Anyway, this would be a one time thing. I just so desperately want to forget.

I make my way downstairs, eager to start drinking the liquor, and feel that burning sensation going down my throat. I grab as many bottles of the stuff as I can and bring them with me to the living room.

Alone, with no one there to tell me to stop, I open up the first bottle and start drinking. Being smaller than many, it won't take long for the alcohol to take effect, remembering the only time I've ever drank before in my life.

After drinking a bottle or two of the stuff, I can feel my body start to relax. My thoughts are taken away from the nightmares. I feel good. I feel happier than I have in a long time. I can't remember ever feeling this care free in my life. I'm not in control of myself anymore. I feel warmth.

As I reach for another bottle, eager to consume more, I hear a distant knock on my door and a familiar face as the door opens to reveal Peeta. He's standing with a warm loaf of bread in his hands, not seeing me laying on the floor of my living room. I hadn't considered that Peeta would come to visit me, but at the moment I don't care. I'm excited to see him actually. A tingle runs up my body, seeing him make his way to the kitchen to probably drop off the bread.

I don't want him to leave my line of vision. It's suddenly very important for him to be in the same room as me. I try not to question it. I shout his name from the floor with a tone in my voice that I don't think I've ever heard myself use. It contained a mix of happiness, excitement, and something I can't really register right now. I've never been happier to see my Boy with the Bread in my life.

He jumps when I call his name, not knowing I was even in the room. His glance looks around the room and finally stops on me, lying on the floor, surrounded by bottles of liquor. His eyes grow wide and I just let out a giggle.

"Katniss! What are you doing!" Peeta exclaims, concern in his eyes. He sets the bread down, and in a hurry, takes away all of my liquor and picks me up and sets me on the couch. I feel a pang of sadness that he's taking away my liquor. But then I look at his face and feel content until I register a look of worry in his eyes.

I laugh. Why would he even worry about someone who is so happy? "I feel great Peeta, don't worry!" I tell him.

"No, you're not okay! You're drunk, Katniss!"

Drunk? No, I can't be. I feel fine.

I look into Peeta's blue orbs, the same blue eyes he's had since I first met him. I stare at his face and it hits me just how beautiful this boy is. How much I want him right now. How much I need him to be mine. A wave of emotion suddenly hits me and I let out a slight gasp. Peeta continues to look at me with much concern.

I suddenly need to let him know just how much I want him. It's important. It can't possibly wait.

"Peeta, I have to tell you something."

I think I hear Peeta groan a little when he ask what is it.

"I love you this big," I say as I stretch my hands out and start to giggle. I stretch them out as far as they can possibly go, because suddenly, it's important for him to know just how much I love and need him in my life. "I just really really really need you right now, Peeta," I try to get out to the best of my abilities. Peeta looks shocked. He looks confused. He also looks a little amused.

He's sitting on the floor next to the couch, so I role off and end up on top of him.

I have the sudden desire to touch him. I move my fingers and trace the outline of his face. I trace his lips. My fingers start to trail down his neck.

"Katniss, stop, you're drunk. You don't mean any of this. You're just confused and not thinking straight."

I feel hurt that Peeta doesn't believe me. Why shouldn't he? "No! I do! I mean every word!"

"Katniss..." he starts, but I kiss him because I feel like it's the only thing that will keep him with me.

He tries to resist at first, and I feel hurt. Does Peeta not love me anymore? Eventually, he gives in.

When we separate, I feel good. I feel light. I feel, for the first time in a while, happiness running through my veins.

I go back to touching his face and let my fingers travel down his body and run through his hair. I love the feeling of my fingers in his blonde locks.

Peeta grabs my hand, removing them from his hair. He gently rolls me off of him and gently sits me down next to him.

We sit next to each other in silence. Peeta keeps giving me glances and I start to feel drowsy.

I tell Peeta and he picks me up and takes me to my bed upstairs. He says he'll stay with me until I fall asleep.

A moment comes back to me of a boy and a girl who weren't as destroyed. The girl ask the boy to stay and the boy tells her always. "Always," he whispers and I relax and fall into a dreamless sleep.

When I wake up, the lights are too bright and I have a pounding headache. The drinking and some of my behavior from earlier flashes in my thoughts, and I groan. I'm embarrassed. I look to my side and see Peeta sitting there, watching me.

"Peeta, look, about earlier, I - "

"Katniss, it's okay," Peeta tells me in a reassuring voice. "Besides," he says with a smirk, "you love me this big," he says as he stretches out his arms.

I let out a sigh and throw a pillow at his face to stop his laughter.

How am I ever going to live this down?

**A/N: Wow, hope you liked this! As always, reviews are encouraged and appreciated. I love hearing back from people, no matter how many stories I post. And Catching Fire is coming out this month :)**


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